News Break: Bank Run in Troll Valley

Amalcross Times (Banner Headline, pg. 1)

Empress Tatiana’s brunch declaration shook the economic foundations of the realm. Art by Benjamin Reeves

The banking house of Greedson & Sons collapsed yesterday after depositors descended upon it demanding their money.

Rumors that the bank was overextended on investments in the Slurpweed industry had already been swirling for days, thanks to a glut in the market. Bank President Ashton ‘ja Greedson brushed off the fears while speaking at an event sponsored by the Borealis Club last week, declaring that “the balance sheet remains strong, and, moreover, you won’t find a single chef of repute who questions the unique and flavor-enhancing qualities of Slurpweed in every cuisine.”

When the Empress Tatiana declared over brunch yesterday morning that, in actual fact, Slurpweed was little more than a fad spice “that makes food taste like shit with the aftertaste of blue cheese,” the bottom fell out of the market.

Spice-trading houses with contracts out on Slurpweed imports suddenly found themselves under pressure and concerned about cash flow. They quickly sought to retrieve their funds from the bank.

When the spice traders arrived at the doors of Greedson & Sons, they found its doors barred shut and the curtains drawn. Not to be deterred, they smashed the windows, threw the doors open, and marched to ‘ja Greedson’s office.

‘Ja Greedson, having been compelled by the arguments of the gathered merchants and the presentation of various knives and other cutting instruments, opened the vault at the merchants’ behest.

“We have your money,” he squealed, showing them the empty vault. “Just not right here, right now!”

Under further pressure, ‘ja Greedson divulged that the bank itself had also placed long bets on the Slurpweed industry, going so far as to take out loans against its own deposits to buy additional Slurpweed futures.

Upon hearing this, the merchants conferred briefly amongst themselves, then proceeded to dismember the erstwhile bank president and roast his heart with a dash of Slurpweed.

When asked how it tasted, the ringleader declared, “Like shit, I assume. I wouldn’t touch anything seasoned with Slurpweed, even if you paid me!”

At the time of publication, the affected merchants were petitioning for the crown to make them whole.

“We’ve got a new line on an asset that’s really something,” one former Slurpweed trader said on condition of anonymity. “It’s like money, except it’s not real. We think there’s some serious investment potential here, and it will help make people free and happy.”