Amalcross PSA: Poke-a-Patsy Day

Have a safe and fun holiday: Avoid these FORBIDDEN pranks.

Art by Alana Fletcher.

After last year's shocking tragedies, the Emperor is placing a moratorium on all pranks on Poke-a-Patsy Day involving any of the following situations:

“Kick Me” Signs

A seemingly innocent prank with deadly consequences. Last year, a “Kick Me” sign was placed on an unsuspecting woman’s back. The joculator picked the wrong mark, as she was a scientist who had a phobia for feet. After being subjected to too many strangers’ heels, she snapped and tipped over a heavy cauldron of fetid matter she was studying. The putrid sludge found its way into the river, and, within a month, all the poor immigrant communities downstream got sick and perished. The Emperor was deeply humiliated, as he wanted sole credit for thinning the immigrant population.

Finger-Pulling

Flatulence is a highly despicable act reserved for those on the lowest edges of society, especially when initiated with a harmless finger pull. The Emperor, time and time again, succumbs to this juvenile deceit. He will no longer be humiliated by this immature jape, as this gesture will be met with immediate death.

Swapping Donkeys

Note that donkey-swapping is strictly defined as the swapping of two donkeys, and not a donkey and another man’s wife in bed. That move is called Swapping Asses.

Patsies, beware: These are not suggestions. Art by Robert Frankel.

Pretending It Is “Opposite Day”

Falsely claiming that today is Opposite Day is now an act of treason, as Opposite Day is an actual, glorious holiday of celebration and reverence wherein we remember securing victory and independence by humiliating the previous autocracy through reverse logic.

Saying “Made You Look”

The Emperor wants to make it clear that only he has the power to “make” anyone do anything.

Snakes in a Tube

We’re all too familiar with this classic jape where an unsuspecting mark opens a tube of very angry slithering garden snakes. Depending on the recipient’s sensitivity to toxins, outcomes range from temporary loss of motor skills to permanent paralysis leading to a slow and agonizing death.

Last year, a villager attempted the largest-ever snakes-in-a-tube prank, hoping to trick six of his eleven brothers into walking into a barn full of hungry snakes. On Poke-a-Patsy Day, his six brothers entered the barn and were bitten all over their bodies by snakes (the remaining five brothers shared a good laugh). On the next day, the scent of the remaining snakes attracted a migrating spine of Rilk’gar, which razed the barn and the entire nearby settlements for food. There were no survivors.